[fortynine]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

All this time I’ve been staying home thinking.
It made me realize things that I don’t want to know.

No matter how much I tell myself.
The truth is..

You’re really not there when I need you the most.

And sometimes I wonder,
If you love me, or you just love the fact that you’re with me.

And I’m wondering if I should just keep on lying to myself.

Telling myself,

Everything is going fine.  There’s nothing to worry about.

I’m happy.

[fortyeight] no time.

I don’t have time to blog.

worst psat ever.
mustang stampede dance.
12 hour volleyball tourney with kelli, mark and shannon. (:
shitload of homework.

lateskies.

[fortyseven] we make a pair of parentheses.

Parentheses by The Blow♪

And when you’re holding me
we make a pair of parentheses.
there’s plenty space to encase
whatever weird way my mind goes
I know I’ll be safe in these arms

Today marks the 31st day.
And I’m feeling just as amazing as I did 30 days ago.

we make a pair of parentheses.
meaningless without the other.

happy first darling. >3

i love you more than air.

[fortysix] and everything will be okay

Dashboard Confessional - Remember to Breathe♪

remember to breathe.
you said everything will be okay.

i’m breathing now
but i’m still not okay.

[fortyfive] 2009, and i have no resolution

death cab for cutie - the new year♪

i want to live in the memories of 2008.

i’m scared to move on
because i think that life can’t get any better

i can finally say that i am completely satisfied with my life
I’ve found everything I could possibly want

it’s finally hit equilibrium.
to love and be loved in return.

but what goes up must come down.
i don’t want to come crashing down.
not again.

please don’t make it a mountain.
make it a plateau.

right now, i’m floating amoung the clouds,
please don’t make me fall.

[fortyfour] everyday i spend with you is the new best day of my life

relient k - must have done something right♪

122508.

i love you. >3

[fortythree] Like the sea, I’m constantly changing from calm to hell

♪City and Colour - The Sleeping Sickness♪

And I’m afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I’ll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I’m breaking down

There’s just too much going on right now.
I swear I’m going to explode any minute now.

[fortytwo] countdown.

neveshoutnever! - 30 Days.

I can’t wait til finals are over.

I finally get to get out of San Jose for a few days.
Going to my second home,
And if you don’t know where that is,
It’s the VIP Suite at the Venetian, Las Vegas.
Thanks Grandpa for being a high roller. (:
I’ll be gone until Christmas Eve.
If I love you, expect a present.
I’ll keep on the lookout and bring you
that stripper you wanted for Christmas.
Hah. I kid.

2 days until the official start of the best volleyball season of my life.
2 days until Chevy’s Night
3 days until the start of the 17th year of my bfffff
6 days until his birthday party
10 days until Finals
11 days until Winterball, Karina/Wendy Bonding time
13 days until Vegas
18 days until Christmas
24 days until New Years Eve
?  days until the start of something new.

X-mas wish list.

home cooked meal
nice warm bed
somebody to love
a place to lay my head.
Someone to smile about.

[fortyone] the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

♪Sia - Breathe Me♪

I’m holding on to yesterdays
where troubles seemed so far away.
Full of laughs and smiles,
Everything seemed to be so right.

Everyday feels the same now
Just getting past the days with fake smiles,
Telling, Lying to myself.
“I’m happy.”

But nothing has been going right these past few weeks.
Nothing I’ve been doing has been right.
And I’m sick of trying.
Sick of trying to hold on to how things used to be
of trying to change myself for others
of being stepped on
of letting go of things without a fight
of trying to get people to see the things my way
of being the person who cheers everyone up
I’m just sick of pretending.
Sick of lying to myself.

I’m not happy anymore.

I wish I could just be the Wendy Chan everyone thinks I am.
The carefree, bubbly, happy Wendy Chan without a problem in the world.  The one who gives advice and is willing to listen to anything you need to say.  The girl who loves to bake and make people smile.

But I just can’t be that girl 24/7.

I’ve been holding things in ever since I could remember.
I know it’s not healthy but that’s just how I am.
I don’t tell unless you ask.
“Don’t try to hide things from me Wendy,
you know you can tell me anything. I’m here for you.”
You’re wrong.  Because every time I talk to you,
I’m trying to be there for you.

I just want to let it all out.
Scream.

Everything’s just been building up.
School, Grades, Projects, Mom,
Family, Finals, SATs, Clubs, Sports
Birthdays, Christmas, Winterball, Boys
Late Nights, Work, Friends, Drama.
Life.
I don’t have a single moment to myself.
A single moment to

Just.

Breathe.

[thirtynine]☆feels like home

♪Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk♪

Jesus.
I just read over my last several entries and I and a freaking bipolar freak.
My mood swings are REEEEE diculous.  But the reason is that I only blog when
I’m feeling the extreme of my mood. Like extremely happy, sad, angry etc.  But I decided I should actually write one today about my day instead of writing short little ones where you don’t know what I’m talking about but it explains how I’m feeling and keeps you guessing.

So mom fight on Thursday night.  If you’re close to me, you’d know what happened. And if you don’t, well that sucks because I don’t want to repeat it.  Basically cleaned out all the plans I had this weekend.   Saturday we had our Service Learning Car Wash and it was TIRING.  I really hate car washes.  There was this one lady who was so picky about how we washed cars, she ended up washing it herself.  HAH.  We made about 600 I think which was pretty good for a slow day.  So, since my mom and I were having ‘difficulties’ staying under the same roof, I slept over my aunt’s, which is pretty much my second home.  I usually feel more at home there.  I really wish I lived with her.. :/  I would have gone to Del Mar because in my room there, my window view is the Del Mar Football Field.  HORRIBLE because when I slept on Fridays, the night lights beam through my window.  Well we went to Valley Fair to go furniture shopping and birthday shopping for Anna.  Ugh… I couldn’t really sleep well in my room there.  My room at her house has a full sized bed and I feel weird that I have so much space to myself since I have a twin at home.  Today, she took me to watch twilight which was bomb. Except i dont’ know if it was just me but Robert Pattison kind of talked like a retard… He should’ve just spoken with his English accent. I think that would’ve been hot… Hehehe.. Then we went to Cupertino village for lunch and quickleys (:  and then we went home since I have school tomorrow… I read and finished New Moon today.  I liked it.. (:  I can’t wait till I get my hands on Eclipse.  Like the math conic.  Karen, You get it? HAHAH

Well after that, I passed out.  Woke up at 8 and that’s about it.  Field trip tomorrow.  I can’t wait.  (:
Oh..I got my phone back. So text me upp. (: